The Hair Incident

So I know it's Hallowe'en tomorrow, but I remembered this episode and it made me laugh - big time! So I thought I'd share it. (Sorry for laughing at your expense Amy, but you'll admit it's funny now)

This little post takes place at my old house at Christmas time in the late 90s/early 00s. Like most children at Christmas, my siblings and I were so freaking excited that Santa had come and left us presents and we could finally open ALL the presents that had been taunting us for weeks. On this particular day, we were up by 4am and had to wait until our parents got up, which was usually between 8 and 9am. The wait was painful, but well worth it.

After ripping all the presents open in a hurricane force in record time, our Mam told us to go and play upstairs. It's funny how Christmas is the only day of the year where you don't want to give a child chocolate as they are already dangerously hyper.

 We dragged our toys and scurried upstairs. After showing off what each of us got, my sister, Amy, showed me a brush she got.  We both thought, since it was a special looking brush, it must do something special. It must curl the hair, we concluded. Taking her hair, I wrapped the brush around it. We had seen our Granny do something similar with her hair to curl it. We had the right technique, just the wrong equipment. That's when the trouble began. That's when we realised a fatal flaw.

 (Remember, we were young, around 10-ish, and incredibly dumb)

In a state of panic, I began to pull at the brush, hoping it would wriggle free. But it only made things worse. It got even more tangled up.  I knew I'd be in big trouble if I went to our parents, so I continued to pull. By this point Amy has crying because, well there was a brush stuck in her hair. Feeling defeated, we seeked out help from our parents.

When my parents saw what I'd done they were pretty anger, to say the least. When our Mam said they would have to cut the brush out, Amy's eyes widened with terror. That would've meant a haircut like a boy, and she had long hair. Luckily, it didn't come to that as our Dad managed to get the brush out. It was very touch and go for a while. To say everyone was relieved when he untangled the brush was an understatement. And luckily for me this happened on Christmas day and with everything happening, it was forgotten about pretty quickly.

So moral of the story is: Don't Leave Children Unattended!

Give Me A Dyson Any Day!

My luck with Hoovers haven't been the greatest. Not Hoovers with handles, but those small shitty things with the hose that you drag around. Take Henry The Hoover for instance. I hate it! My hate for those types of Hoovers began whilst at work, I was carrying the Hoover downstairs which had just been mopped. Of course, trying to be careful, I tripped over the hose bit and fell all the way down the stairs. The Hoover didn't get a scratch but as for me, I was a little sore and my ego had been bruised.

I don't get why these sort of Hoovers are praised, they are crap. You might as well sweep the dirt of a carpet than use these types of hoovers. Not only did I have to suffer at work, but at my home too. They're awkward to put away too, the hose flies around willy nilly and looks unsightly.

When I moved to Edinburgh, they didn't get any better. The first Henry like hoover we got, had duck tape wrapped around it to keep it from opening up. And it couldn't clean to save itself.

It's replacement was no better. At first, it did an "ok" job at hoovering. After 2 uses, then it showed its true colours. After using it for a mere 2 minutes now, a burning smell fills the room which becomes unbearable so you have to stop and open all the windows. Hoovering one room can take up to a day.

Guess what I get to do today.

Bringing Smileys Into Real Life

The other day, my friend Sarah (Velvet Cupcakes) and I were talking on MSN. Nothing in particular just random crap and sharing things we had found funny on the internet. We have this thing where we use little smiley faces after every word to make the conversation more entertain able. So if we were listening to music, we would write the lyrics like so...                                        

 
 Ok, you may not find it funny, but we did (because we're awesome and have a weird sense of humour)
Then we began to complain that conversations were in "real life" were boring because we couldn't use any smileys to express ourselves or to make awkward moments ones of entertainment. Yes we could use our expressions, but why would we want to when we could use smileys?
Here's another example of what I mean...

People could invent clothes which can detect what you're feeling and project it onto the front of your clothes. You could make codes like "sad face" and a smiley of sad face will appear on your top. I mean we can get clothes with lights on it so surely it can't be too difficult to do, right?

Thanks Sarah for the pic!

These Boots Were NOT Made For Walking! Part 2

Well the walk from hell as I will now call it was totally worth it! I got the job and I start on Monday! So excited about that. I hope I'm not rusty, it has been well over 2 months since I last poured a pint! I'm sure I'll be fine! Yay *Dances*

Super Mario World

Have you ever played a game where you matter what you do, you still suck at it? Well that's what I'm like with Super Mario World. Yesterday, my flatmate Sian suggested we give the game another go. Hoping it wouldn't be a repeat of the last times we've played it I agreed.

The Super Mario World game is on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, or SNES and the game was originally released in 1990. It's weird to think this is what gaming in the early 90s was like. It should be in a gaming museum! 

Oh course, when picking who was who, Sian picked to be the hero Mario, the one loves and adores which left me stuck with Luigi, the one no-one really cares about but is forced to like cause it's Mario's brother.

So basically the way we play the game is Sian does all the hard work and gets passed all the levels while I do the same level over and over again and use up all the lives. Once in a blue moon I will complete a level which makes me feel all "haha I'm better than you" only to die at the next level. Or I'll get really far and as something bad is about to happen, and I mean 5 seconds before death, Sian will yelp out for my to watch out on something, which cause me to jump and Luigi to die.

Then it comes for Act 2 of how we play, Sian starts to get bad. Which prompts me to laugh, which she gets mad about (she's a very violent gamer). Then it becomes a competition on easy levels like who can get the most mushrooms. Then the final act is when I get soo angry at dying I give up and laugh at Sian's failures.

Quote Of The Day

Sian: "I'm just as pretty as a peach"
Me: "Yer and as sour as a lemon"

KHSDSVN45SC7

These Boots Were NOT Made For Walking!

On Sunday I had an interview at a hotel to be a bartender/waiter. Since I had no money I had to walk to my interview which was 2 hours away from my flat. Looking up the map on Google Maps, I decided it really wasn't that complicated to get there and it wouldn't take me 2 hours. I got dressed in my "interview" outfit and headed off.

Lucky for me it was a nice day so at least I didn't get rained on or anything. Nothing really exciting happened in the first hour of walking. All I had to do was follow the road in a straight line and I'd be at the end of the road where I'd have to take a left. Soon I came to a bit where the road split into two. Standing there for about 10 minutes, I wondered which way to go. I decided to continue the road as it seemed like a most sensible idea. 

Half an hour into my decision I realised I was lost. I mean really lost. I had been walking down a road which had fields as far as the eye could see. And sheep all around me. I was beginning to wonder if I had transported back into Shetland. The map I had on my phone wasn't very useful so I asked for directions. The two people I asked weren't very helpful. They pointed and told we to go here there and everywhere. Looking at my watch, I realised I only had half an hour to get to the hotel and I had no idea where I was going, so I gave up on the interview.

Walking back the way I came, I was quite angry at myself and pissed off. All that walking for nothing. Then I joked in my head that it was the other way I should've gone. When I got to the split of the road I looked at a sign which I hadn't noticed. Squinting my eyes, I realised that was the right way. Running across the road (nearly getting knocked down by a few cars) I rushed to get to the hotel on time.

It was me vs time. I looked at my watch again, I only had 20 minutes to get there and I was still a piece away. That's when my feet started to get sore. It wasn't that bad at first, I just started limp walking. But then it got extremely painful! I wanted to take baby steps, but I couldn't so I power up a hill to get to my interview.

After the interview (and getting to sit down for 45 mins) I felt walking home would be fine. How wrong was I! After the first few steps walking out of the hotel my feet were killing me! And I was ages away from home.  The walk home was a bit of a blur. But I do remember the pain! After an hour in, I tried to convince myself I was nearly home but nope, my brain knew I was miles away. After more endless walking and nearly thinking I was home, I spotted a BT station. I was confused, had I walked past a BT station? Then I realised that was MY BT station which was near my house! I nearly cried with joy! My feet felt like they were drowning in my own blood. By now I was taking baby steps although from an onlookers point of view they probably thought I had something up my ass.

When I got home, I took of those shoes and couldn't walk anymore. I crawled to bed, exhausted and beaten. The next day, it was still sore to walk. I walked 10 miles on Sunday, which is quite an achievement, but was the pain worth it? If I get the job, I'll tell you!

KHSDSVN45SC7 :O

My Bad Talent

I wonder if the man upstairs is in control of what talents you get - good and bad. Some people are blessed to have many great talents and only a few bad ones. I, on the other hand, haven't been as blessed. The worst of them all - cooking.

This morning for example, I decided to make porridge. Not from scratch but from a bag. All I had to do was pour 1 cup of porridge into a bowl and 2 cups of water and heat it up for 3 and a half minutes. Seems simple doesn't it? I thought so too. Putting the porridge into the cup then the bowl was easy enough but somehow instead of putting in 2 full cups of water into the bowl, I put 1 and a half. I figured if I had put 2 in then it would be too watery and disgusting therefore I wouldn't eat it. After the microwave informed me it was done, I opened the door. This is what I saw...

It looked like mushed brains that had been sitting out for a couple of years and it was pissed off. I decided to add some water to it but nothing really happened. So I added some sugar and forced it down my throat (I have no money to waste food). It was the worst thing I have ever tasted! I nearly gagged!

Another example of my bad horrendous cooking was the time I decided to make Korma Chicken for some friends. Everything was going well until I added the sauce to the pan. Remembering what my mother would do, I added water to the jar and poured that into the pan too. She only filled it a little bit and it worked. Now my sauce was all runny so I added cornflour to thicken it up. I accidently put too much in and had to add more water. I'm surprised my friends managed to eat some of it, but I think they just felt bad for me and they were pretty tipsy!


One more example was I nearly set the kitchen on fire cooking bacon...the pan wasn't so lucky.

 I really do wish I was better and I have tried to make an effort but cooking is just not for me. Cocktail making on the other hand...

Smoking - The Easy Way To Give up

After trying the patches, trying to go "cold turkey" I thought I would be condemned to smoking forever! However, due to certain events in my life I have managed to give it up, all thanks to the Job Centre!

How did I manage that you may wonder? Well, quitting smoking wasn't planned, it was forced. Heres a few steps on how to be smoke free

1) Leave your job voluntarily, move away with hardly any money

2) Apply to get Job Seekers Allowance. Once you have done this, you should get one payment which is made fortnightly. Basically all you will be able to afford is food - no luxuries! Saying that, I did buy 10 packs, just to keep me going.

3) Your next payment will be halved and you Job Seekers Allowance will be closed because you left you job voluntarily. You will need to apply for a hardship thing, which will take about a month.

So buy time you get money, You would have either starved to death (which may happen to me) or have lived of cigarettes. If you haven't had the luxury to afford them, then you would have been forced to go cold turkey for nearly 2 months without the temptation to buy (cause you have no money) and after a few weeks even the smell makes you gag!

Note: Experiences may differ :P

It's raining...

It's absolutely pouring with rain today! Typical the one day I have to go into the world and it rains. I had almost forgotten what rain was as it hardly ever rains here. Where I come from, it rains for more than half of the year and is usually accompanied with a forceful wind which blows the rain in your face and you end up standing in the middle of the pavement screaming bloody murder at the wind (I have done this many times, usually always during a bad mood)

Why does it have to rain today? I'll be out all day, I don't have a jacket suitable for the rain and I'll bet anything once I get home, all cold and wet, it will stop.

The Move

They all say that moving can be a stressful time. Trying to organise all your stuff and neatly pack them into boxes, make sure you haven't left anything and once that's all done, you can relax until that stressful move. Unfortunately, my move from the cold island of Shetland to the bright lights of Edinburgh wasn't so blissful.

My last week in Shetland began on the Monday. I had left my job the day before and I had a thousand things to do before I was on the boat on Thursday. On Monday was my little sisters birthday, so I had to go over and see her. On the Tuesday, my flatmate Sian told me the next day she would come and pick my stuff up, so I better have packed everything. I hadn't quite packed everything, in fact I had only packed a box. After hours of packing, my old room looked so bare, however there was still some of my stuff lying around which I wasn't taking.

On the day of my move, which was also pay day, I booked my ticket for the boat. Not having much sleep the night before (I only had a stupid thin blanket with holes in it) I was pretty tired. Then I got my phone bill and most of my money went to that. Saying goodbye to my friends, I took my two bags and suitcases and boarded onto the boat.

12 hours later...

The boat docked at Aberdeen. I struggled off the boat. Pushing the button on the lift, I noticed it was out of order. So I had to drag all my heavy luggage down a flight of stairs. My unlucky strike was only just beginning.

Once I was outside, I realised I had NO idea how to get to the bus terminal. I knew where it was, it was just how to get there. I also hadn't anticipated how far the walk and how heavy my luggage was. After eventually getting directions, I got there. I bought my ticket and found a "hole in the wall". Looking at my bank balance, I realised I only had £10 left...great.

Getting on the bus was a bit of a disaster. I was constantly worried that I would miss my stop, or get off somewhere where I wasn't meant to. It was a disaster.

Luckily for me my friend Sarah met me at the bus stop to help me get to the housing place to get the keys and help me with the luggage. Thank god for her help! Unfortunately, my flat and the housing place were at opposite sides of the city. Not only that, I was dying from the heat, it was freezing when I left Shetland and not being able to change, I had to keep my hoody on.

So after taking a lot of buses (and with a little help from Google Maps) we eventually got to my flat. I thought my unlucky strike was over. How very wrong was I! One of the locks was jammed and we had to wait outside my flat for over an hour waiting to get in. Although, we did have fun playing I spy

From that moment on I vowed never to move ever again (well, not so far anyway)

The One Where I End Up In Hospital

So I had an interesting night on Friday. As I recall telling to my friend, it was gonna be a night to remember...

So it all starts off as your typical Friday evening, getting the booze. As we were walking to Asdas, it was pouring down with rain, and the sky was an apocalypse orange, maybe it was a forewarning!

So, many glasses of wine and shots later, we go out. Nothing eventful happens, met a few people, got even more drunk, same old same.

So when we got home (Don't even remember getting the bus home) we all decide to have the rest of the wine. What a bad idea. My friend and I ended up play fighting, drinks were getting thrown over each other, it was a drunken fun. But what I should've remembered was this simply equation

Her + Glass + Booze = Something bad happening to me

And it did. As she went to through her wine over me, I put my arm up in defence and it smashed, cutting her thumb and my wrist. Great! I insisted that all I would need was a bandage and everything would be fine but no! They called for a taxi and I was taken against my will.

4 hours later...

We were eventually seen by a nurse. I needed an x-ray first to see if there was any glass in my arm as Sian's thumb was glued back together. Then I got stitches and I have to say, it was the weirdest sensation ever. And it looks gross! I think it may scar, but oh well! It's not only a reminder of our night out but a reminder of our friendship - ugly but deep

The Interview

Having just moved to the city, my flatmate and I decided instead of staying in and trying to connect to the internet we would celebrate our arrival to the city and get wasted. After having a couple of drinks, we went out and met up with some friends. It was Saturday and we both didn't have anything important to do the next day...

After nearly getting into a fight (her not me), having way too much to drink and stealing a jumper, we decided to go home. It was after 6.30am when we got home so god knows what time I went to bed.

All of a sudden, I hear my phone ringing. Sitting up and feeling the room spin, I looked at the unrecognised number and answered. It was from a shop I had applied to work in a couple of days back, and he was asking me to come in for an interview as soon as possible. Still slightly confused by what was going on, I agreed the half an hour interview. I looked at the clock and it was 2pm.

Then panic struck

The place was 20 minutes away on foot, and I didn't have any money for the bus! Jumping out of my bed like a superhero, I quickly got dressed. I have to say, I did look nice. Thinking I would stink of booze, I scrubbed my teeth and almost suffocated in deodorant. Then I realised I was still tipsy, but it didn't matter, I had to get to the shopping centre!

Upon my arrival at the shopping centre, I realised I hadn't actually heard which shop it was (I applied to a lot of shops) Luckily, I remembered him saying if I got lost, I was to call him.

So when I finally got there, he told me he wanted to get a chance to meet me in person and see if I was suitable for the job. It was a standing interview and I thought I answered his questions really well, I was quite pleased with myself.

Then tragedy struck

As he was written down where the shop was, I began to get a cold sweat. Trying to concentrate on what he was saying, I slyly leaned against the counter. Then little black spots began to appear. Then more, and more. Before I knew it, I couldn't see or hear him anymore. All I could think was "Don't faint in the shopping centre!" over and over again. Then I started to get a lump in my throat, so my next line of thought was "DON'T BE SICK!"

Fortunately for me (I think) the man saw I was in state of collapse and rushed to get me water. That managed to calm me down a little. He then asked me if I took any drugs, which I said no, which is true. Although, from his point of view, I could see why he would think that. Someone stinking of booze and almost collapsing in his store.

He did say he admired my commitment to get here and gave me a trail! Unfortunately, it was an unpaid trial at a Scottish tourist shop run by chavs... I lasted a day.

After thanking him for the opportunity, I knew I needed to be sick (the sign of success) and ran to find the toilets. When I eventually did, I phoned my flatmate, dragged her out of bed to come and fetch me. By time she walked over, I was fine and didn't need any help

Moral of the story! Always arrange another interview date if you were out the night before! You only have one chance to make a good first impression!

Me Vs The Pumpkin

So a couple of days ago my flatmate asked me to help her with the cooking. If you haven't tasted my cooking you should consider yourself lucky. I'm soo bad, I've set bacon on fire. Anyhoo, she asked me to help her with the peeling, so not something so important. The potatoes and sweet potato were done surprising easily. Then, came the pumpkin

Round 1
Having never craved a pumpkin before, I didn't really know what to expect. I was under the impression that it would be as easy as the potatoes. How very wrong I was.
The peeler slipped off the skin of the pumpkin and slapped my arm on the ground. Not putting off by this I tried again, and failed.

Getting slightly more annoyed now, I tried to be more forceful. Ha! I was beginning to work, or so I thought. As I was peeling a tiny bit of its skin, the peeler slipped and cut me. Round 1 to the pumpkin.

Round 2
After a brief time out and bandaging the cut, I went in for the second round. This time, I would be tactful, cunning even. I stood, watching the pumpkin, thinking how
I would peel the pumpkin quickly. Holding on to one end of the pumpkin, I began stabbing the peeler into the skin and soon enough, off it would come.

Round 3
After getting pretty tired from doing a quarter of the skin (yes I'm that weak, a kitten could beat me up) I decided to re-think my strategy. Then, like a lightbulb going off above me head, I had it. Stabbing the pumpkin in the middle and using it as a handle, I could use the other one to peel quickly! And it worked!

Heres a pic of after the whole ordeal, I certainly got job satisfaction whilst cleaning that up

Oops, I did it again

Yet again I've done it. ¬¬

It's been the 3rd time in a month... I've cocked up my sleeping pattern. It may not seem so tragic, but to me, it is! If I fall asleep now, chances are I will sleep in until 4pm then be up until 9am before I go to bed and this pattern will repeat until I'm so tired I'm emotional. I could set an alarm, however, when that goes off, only one eye opens it to search for the alarm only to switch it off to fall back asleep.

So, my only choice is to stay up until 9pm tonight at the latest so I can get back into my pattern. Unfortunately for my flat mates, I will be tired, cranky and quite emotional. I was so tired once I nearly cried because there was no water in the kettle for me coffee. But that sadness turned into a whirlwind of rage. They evacuated the flat for a couple of hours after that

I think I may feed my fishes now(virtual ones of course!)

Cleaning: The lazy sods guide to getting out of it.

If you are anything like some of the flatmates I have had past and present you will no doubt have learnt the art of not cleaning. Yes maybe you have had the sudden motivation to clean only because someone important like a parent or a "buddy" is coming over and you don't want to show you live like a slob.

But for the most part, cleaning is almost a sinful activity for you. You'd rather be doing something worth-while with your time like, lying on the bed counting sheep.
However, when it comes to being forced to clean, there are 3 ways to get out of doing it forever!

1) You find someone to live with who's a clean freak, basically a Monica. Everything has to be clean 24/7. The Monica's have a certain way of cleaning, if its not done in their way its not done properly.

2) When being asked to clean something minor, i.e. a cup, you make a big fuss about it and come up with an excuse, "Oh I have an essay which needs to be handed in in the next 10 minutes and I haven't started yet" and do the "sudden realisation panic attack" look. However there is a time when this fails

3) You do a terrible job of cleaning. And I mean really terrible, pathetic even. This really irritates the Monica's a lot! Pretend you're a robot and you're running low on battery and the only function you can do properly is breathe and doing anything else is a massive compromise. If done correctly, you will only have to repeat this stage on average 3 times and will never be asked again.

Note of Caution
- Please note the Monica, whether it be your friend or parent may go into a fit of rage but usually finding a way into their soft spot will prevent that.

- Whatever you do, DO NOT use the phrase "it's not my mess why should I clean it" or anything similar. This will enrage a Monica and you will regret it! Unless you want to hear a massive long rant, I'd advise against it.