I Wish...

Sometimes I wish people were different.

All my life I've had to defend myself because I am gay. I've had grow a second skin and try to ignore petty comments from small minded people. After a while, words they use to try to upset me didn't work because I had heard it all. I even got to the point where I was making whitty comments back.

But there comes a time when sometimes it can get overwhelming. Days when I'm not feeling great about myself and simply don't have the energy to fight back. To defend myself. Like today for example at work. I've been having a rough few months so the last thing I needed was for people to make fun of me ad saw hurtful things. It really got to me. I was quite upset.

Then I was angry. Why should I have to constantly defend myself to small minded idiots who probably can't even tell the time. Just because I sleep with the same sex doesn't make me a monster. Why can everyone else kiss their partner in public but when I (or any other gay couple) do the same, its met with raised eyebrows and whispers.

I just wish people were more accepting.

Dubstep Cat

This has to be the funniest thing I have seen in a long time! I have never laughed so hard.

Definitely want a cat like this!

Swimming Home

In just under 3 weeks time, I will be saying goodbye to Edinburgh and hello (again) to Shetland. And no, I won't be swimming home, unless the boat sinks which it probably will since I'll have all my stuff on it!

After living in Edinburgh for close to 2 years it's going to be strange and somewhat difficult for me to get used to living in Shetland again. Everything I've got used to here will be gone. The constant sounds of the sirens and cars and the bright lights surrounding Edinburgh will be replaced with silence and somewhat dimmer lights. Despite all of that, I'm happy to go back home.

From this...

My decision to move back to Shetland was a quick one. Something I didn't see coming. But I feel it's the right one. After having a month from hell with things slowly going tits up in my social, work and home life I decided maybe I needed a break from everything and go back to familiar surroundings and have a chance to reboot and start my life from scratch. Granted it seems a little bit dramatic just dropping everything last minute and packing off back home. But living in Edinburgh slowly began to feel less fun and more hard work. It was exhausting. Even though I had tonnes of friends living here who I spoke to almost daily, I felt lonely. 

...back to this.

Having no family in a place as big as Edinburgh can be a little lonely. Yes we have skype and can text, email, facebook, call each other, but it wasn't the same as actually being in the same room as them. Also the thought of spending a 3rd Christmas down here alone didn't exactly spread joy.

As the day I move gets closer, I'm getting more and more excited to go. But the prospect of packing everything and taking it back is a little daunting. Even thinking about it is hard work!

But I know, when the day comes that its my last shift at the hotel, and the last time I see my friends for a while (I will be back) there will be tears. Mostly from me. What can I say, I'm happy not to see them again (haha joking!)

Back From The Dead

A talent I once thought I had lost is finally sneaking back into my life, I now have a hobby that I actually do, and that talent is art.

During my school days, art was my life. I was always drawing, painting, colouring almost every day. When I got to high school, it became more of a pain having to do all this art work and I slowly lost my passion for it. I think it was because I was being forced to do all of this art work and in the end, I began to resent it. 

So once school and exams were over (and after getting an A on my art work!) I completely lost the will to draw, it didn't interest me anymore. Fast forward a few years and after discovering alcohol, moving from home and having to pay bills and working constantly or going out with friends, I never got around to drawing anything. 

When I did try to sit down to draw, it looked awful. I could see perfectly in my head what I wanted to draw, but getting it from my head to paper was challenging. After a few more attempts, I said to myself that the talent I once had was long dead and so I gave up completely.

Then, last year in preparation for a friend's birthday, a Nintendo themed party, we drew, painted and coloured tonnes of things, including my pixel Yoshi. But of course, it was all rushed and I felt like I was back at school and stopped. 

A few days ago, while sitting in my room bored, I decided to give draw something. After I had finished that drawing, I started another and then another and I was actually enjoying it more and more. I think it was because I wasn't being forced to draw in a specific time frame, I was doing it for fun. 

This year my plan is to start getting as good as I was and try experimenting with different paints, oils and try painting on a canvas for the first time. But in the mean time, all I have is a pencil & a pad, something I'm quite comfortable using.

Here's a drawing I managed to do in just over an hour. Hope you like it! Inspired from Evanescence's album cover "Anywhere But Home".

The Nightmare

Nightmares. The last nighmare that truly scared me to the core was when I was 11 and yellow zombie like vampires attacked the world. Since then, it's only been bad dreams. This morning, I had a nightmare. Now I know what you're thinking, how could it be called a nightmare if you had it during the day. The definition of a nightmare is

1. terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.
2. (formerly) a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.

Unfortunately my dream involved both.

I don't remember my dream leading up to it, but I noticed everything went dark, like when you're looking in the direction of the sun with you're eyes closed and it goes behind a cloud. In my dream I was lying in my bed looking around in a darkened room when standing at my doorway was a figure. I immediately got a feeling of danger and chills ran down my spine. I tried to get up to run away but I couldn't move. I knew I had the power to move as I was aware of what was happening in the waking world but I couldn't.

By this time, this figure was slowly waking to my bed. It seemed to take an eternity and it moved so creepily. I tried to scream for help but all I felt was a soft whimper come out. Not enough to grab the attention of my friend who was sleeping peacefully next to me.

The figure, with black smoke like things around it and glowing deep eyes was standing right next to me. Slowly it moved on top of me and sat there, staring at me. I felt a huge weight on top of me and tried violently to move a part of my body or scream, but it was all in vain. Then slowly it's arms lifted and was moving towards my neck. I felt it chocking me, applying pressure to my throat. Then I woke up.

I've never awoken with such force in my life. And by force I mean it felt like I ripped my eyelids off once I could open them. It was the most scariest dream I have ever had. I thought I was awake during the dream, it wasn't until I woke up that I realised it was in fact just a dream.

After doing a bit of research I learned the dream or event I had just experienced was referred to as the 'Old Hag Syndrome'. What I wish I hadn't read was sometimes this hag comes back several times. Fan-bloody-tastic.

When I told my friend about my dream, I only told her I was paralysed and scared. Since she's staying with me I didn't want to freak her out... Hopefully she won't read this!

Goodbye 2011

2011 has been a year of discovery for me. It's also been a year which has challenged me and made me re-evaluate my life. I'm glad 2011 is over and I'm excited for the next chapter! I've struggled with personal demons, found out who was truely there for me and who wasn't and learned that asking for help now and then isn't a sign of weakness, and no matter how hard it is to ask for it, I know I have people there for me.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me during my issues in 2011, it meant the world to me! I am so grateful for your support! Let's make 2012 the best year ever! (And if the world doesn't end this year, lets continue to make the years after it even better!

x